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02-20-2006, 09:32 AM
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#1
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Narcissistic and mean
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,543
Current Game: New Vegas
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Raz's Life: Chapter 4 (PT. 1)
Chapter 4: Resue Lili
"Lili! Sasha!"
Raz was determined to find them, but he didn't have any help and didn't have any phy powers. But then, just as he was turning to head back, Lili started screaming.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! HELP ME RAZ, HE'S TAKING MY BRAIN!!!!!!!! " Just as she screamed that, her brain was taken and Sasha was in the conner yelping. He was tied up! But,how was Sasha was taking Lili's brain out!?!
"What the hell?" Raz muttered
To be continued in part 2
Not End of Chapter 4
who
Last edited by zelda 41; 02-20-2006 at 06:14 PM.
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02-20-2006, 01:15 PM
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#2
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that didnt last because i
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: i use my laptop from my bed 99% of the time
Posts: 2,068
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WHAT THE ****!? ONE CHAPTER.
AND THIS IS A PUBLIC ****ING MESSAGE BOARD, SO TAKE YOUR WARNING AND SHOVE IT. IF YOU DON'T WANT IT TO BE FLAMEBAIT, DON'T POST IT HERE.
IT WAS CONSTRUCTIVE CRITIQUE, WE'VE TOLD YOU FIVE ****ING TIMES YOU ONLY NEED ONE TOPIC, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT SMON AND DARTHAVE BUT I'M SURE THE STORY WOULD BE MUCH MORE TOLERABLE IF YOU PAYED THE **** ATTENTION AND ONLY MADE ONE TOPIC.
...phew.
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02-20-2006, 01:39 PM
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#3
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Bizarro
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Rapid City, SD
Posts: 4,196
Current Game: Mega Man
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Hey Zelda, ever heard of a, um oh I don't know... edit button? Or the MOTHA 4^(#ING REPLY BUTTON?!?!?!?
I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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02-20-2006, 01:40 PM
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#4
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that didnt last because i
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: i use my laptop from my bed 99% of the time
Posts: 2,068
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See that nice pretty "start a new thread" button?
DON'T ****ING CLICK IT. >:\
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02-20-2006, 01:47 PM
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#5
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Bizarro
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Rapid City, SD
Posts: 4,196
Current Game: Mega Man
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by KingCheez
See that nice pretty "start a new thread" button?
DON'T ****ING CLICK IT. >:\
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...IDEA'D!
I shall pay Bowyer from SMRPG to shoot the new thread button on Zelda's computer! That way it'll be locked until he shoots a different button.
I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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02-20-2006, 01:53 PM
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#6
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that didnt last because i
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: i use my laptop from my bed 99% of the time
Posts: 2,068
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Sweet.
I should go... uh, borrow from my friend, SMRPG again.
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02-20-2006, 05:28 PM
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#7
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Rookie
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: The restaurant at the end of the universe.
Posts: 43
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You need to learn to take some criticism. Even authors take criticism from their friends and editors. It's not fun, but it helps. The story's not very bad, but is severely lacking in details that bring a story to life, and the chapters are way too short to be an actual chapter. The story needs some spice, something unique and mysterious or exciting, depending on what kind of story you're writing. And, you can put this whole story under one topic. There's no need to make a new topic for every chapter, especially considering how many times you've been instructed not to. Not trying to sound witchy...
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02-20-2006, 06:02 PM
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#8
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Narcissistic and mean
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,543
Current Game: New Vegas
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I couldn't type long because my dumb butt brother kicked me off.
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02-20-2006, 06:05 PM
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#9
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Bizarro
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Rapid City, SD
Posts: 4,196
Current Game: Mega Man
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by zelda 41
I couldn't type long because my dumb butt brother kicked me off.
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So? You don't have to make a new thread each time, just post a reply to the first (or in your case, third) topic.
I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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02-20-2006, 06:31 PM
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#10
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Narcissistic and mean
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,543
Current Game: New Vegas
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All right. I'm done with this story. It just... sucked. Tell King Cheez and Darth_Ave, would ya. 
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02-20-2006, 07:36 PM
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#11
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that didnt last because i
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: i use my laptop from my bed 99% of the time
Posts: 2,068
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Uh, we can read.
We don't want you not to continue it, just one ****ing thread and one is all.
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02-20-2006, 07:42 PM
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#12
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Narcissistic and mean
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,543
Current Game: New Vegas
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I'm still done. Storywriting: not my thing
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02-20-2006, 07:45 PM
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#13
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Bizarro
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Rapid City, SD
Posts: 4,196
Current Game: Mega Man
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by zelda 41
I'm still done. Storywriting: not my thing
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...thne why are you sending a story to Oxytoxin?
I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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02-21-2006, 03:25 PM
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#14
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The Pitfall
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Steamboat Willie...'s pants
Posts: 2,655
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Heh. This board is so going on Fandom_Wank.
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02-21-2006, 06:06 PM
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#15
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that didnt last because i
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: i use my laptop from my bed 99% of the time
Posts: 2,068
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DON'T FORGET THE SASHARAZ MAKERS THAT I HARASSED OUT OF ALL PLEASURE OF LIFE
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02-22-2006, 07:58 PM
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#16
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Narcissistic and mean
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,543
Current Game: New Vegas
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lol. I'm sending it in because I have an old one I wrote and had fixed 5 friggin times. IT'S PERFECT I TELL YOU!! PERFECT!!!!
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02-22-2006, 09:20 PM
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#17
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A Little Nugget
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Columbus
Posts: 13,421
Current Game: OFF
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It's not nice to yell at us you noob. You could be out, Heidi Clum says so.
"In message boarding, either you're in or you're out."
"A few times in my life I've had moments of absolute clarity. When for a few brief seconds, the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I've lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be."
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02-23-2006, 03:13 PM
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#18
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The Pitfall
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Steamboat Willie...'s pants
Posts: 2,655
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Darth_Ave
It's not nice to yell at us you noob. You could be out, Heidi Clum says so.
"In message boarding, either you're in or you're out."
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Darth_Ave, that's so over.
Now I think we should stop spamming these boards with "STOPZ IT ZOMG!!1elventy1!!!11! |
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02-23-2006, 03:42 PM
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#19
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Bizarro
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Rapid City, SD
Posts: 4,196
Current Game: Mega Man
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Klia
Darth_Ave, that's so over.
Now I think we should stop spamming these boards with "STOPZ IT ZOMG!!1elventy1!!!11!
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Yes agreed... we should just banish it. Someone go fetch the banishment stones.
I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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02-23-2006, 03:55 PM
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#20
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that didnt last because i
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: i use my laptop from my bed 99% of the time
Posts: 2,068
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I kind of lost the banishment stones. We were playing Banishment Dodgeball.
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02-23-2006, 04:27 PM
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#21
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Bizarro
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Rapid City, SD
Posts: 4,196
Current Game: Mega Man
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by KingCheez
I kind of lost the banishment stones. We were playing Banishment Dodgeball.
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Oh well that's just great, what're we supposed to banish it with now? Summoning stones? Nice work Cheez, now we can't banish it.
Eh... we could... uh... put police tape on it.
I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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02-23-2006, 04:46 PM
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#22
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that didnt last because i
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: i use my laptop from my bed 99% of the time
Posts: 2,068
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We wrapped up Jon's birthday present with that
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02-23-2006, 06:05 PM
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#23
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Bizarro
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Rapid City, SD
Posts: 4,196
Current Game: Mega Man
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by KingCheez
We wrapped up Jon's birthday present with that
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....uhoh... that's why his house has that dead kitten smell.
I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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02-23-2006, 08:24 PM
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#24
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A Little Nugget
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Columbus
Posts: 13,421
Current Game: OFF
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Klia
Darth_Ave, that's so over.
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That's not over. It doesn't end until March 8th, when season 2 is over. So ~Ha~
"A few times in my life I've had moments of absolute clarity. When for a few brief seconds, the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I've lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be."
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02-23-2006, 08:45 PM
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#25
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The Pitfall
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Steamboat Willie...'s pants
Posts: 2,655
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Darth_Ave
That's not over. It doesn't end until March 8th, when season 2 is over. So ~Ha~
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02-23-2006, 09:24 PM
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#26
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A Little Nugget
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Columbus
Posts: 13,421
Current Game: OFF
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Don't Marx me Klia. I'll take you down. I am a champion.
"A few times in my life I've had moments of absolute clarity. When for a few brief seconds, the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I've lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be."
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02-24-2006, 04:20 PM
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#27
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Narcissistic and mean
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,543
Current Game: New Vegas
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Sure you will.
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02-24-2006, 05:18 PM
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#28
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A Little Nugget
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Columbus
Posts: 13,421
Current Game: OFF
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Don't question my greatness. Have YOU ever won the caption game zelda? OH! Didn't think so, bitch. And I bet none of you have won the geography bee, proveing that I am smarter than all the stupid jocks who make fun of me.
"A few times in my life I've had moments of absolute clarity. When for a few brief seconds, the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I've lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be."
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02-26-2006, 06:53 AM
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#29
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Forumite
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 738
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I won a spelling bee once.
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02-26-2006, 03:18 PM
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#30
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Narcissistic and mean
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,543
Current Game: New Vegas
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Okay Darth, what's 567x84?
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02-26-2006, 06:25 PM
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#31
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Bizarro
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Rapid City, SD
Posts: 4,196
Current Game: Mega Man
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by zelda 41
Okay Darth, what's 567x84?
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That's math, not geography.
I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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02-26-2006, 06:55 PM
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#32
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A Little Nugget
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Columbus
Posts: 13,421
Current Game: OFF
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Ohhh, vocabulor burn!
Oh and P.S., It's 47,628. I'm in advance math too. so, OWNED!!!
"A few times in my life I've had moments of absolute clarity. When for a few brief seconds, the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I've lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be."
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02-26-2006, 06:58 PM
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#33
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Bizarro
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Rapid City, SD
Posts: 4,196
Current Game: Mega Man
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Darth_Ave
Ohhh, vocabulor burn!
Oh and P.S., It's 47,628. I'm in advance math too. so, OWNED!!!
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Just because someone can flaunt math ability doesn't mean they should:
http://supermath.ytmnd.com/
I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
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02-26-2006, 06:58 PM
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#34
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Narcissistic and mean
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,543
Current Game: New Vegas
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Crap........
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02-26-2006, 07:01 PM
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#35
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A Little Nugget
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Columbus
Posts: 13,421
Current Game: OFF
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Ok Smon, that was weird..... BUT!!! Zelda. Lay off, or we'll tell Huz of your evilness to everyone and you'll be
BANISHED!! ~Duh, duh, dun~
"A few times in my life I've had moments of absolute clarity. When for a few brief seconds, the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I've lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be."
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02-26-2006, 07:10 PM
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#36
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Narcissistic and mean
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,543
Current Game: New Vegas
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I'LL BE GOOD!!! PLEASE DON'T TELL HUZ!! *cry*
IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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02-26-2006, 07:12 PM
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#37
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A Little Nugget
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Columbus
Posts: 13,421
Current Game: OFF
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Ok, but you gotta do the Daniel Franco Shuffle.
"A few times in my life I've had moments of absolute clarity. When for a few brief seconds, the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I've lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be."
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02-26-2006, 07:17 PM
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#38
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Narcissistic and mean
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,543
Current Game: New Vegas
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Huh? Whats that?
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02-26-2006, 07:18 PM
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#39
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A Little Nugget
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Columbus
Posts: 13,421
Current Game: OFF
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You don't know what the Danial Franco Shuffle is? Well then, you gotta start watching your project runway girl.
"A few times in my life I've had moments of absolute clarity. When for a few brief seconds, the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I've lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be."
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02-26-2006, 07:29 PM
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#40
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Narcissistic and mean
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,543
Current Game: New Vegas
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what's that? <- cluless
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