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Old 01-21-2007, 07:14 AM   #1
pokejedi123
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[FIC]Timmy Marong:Brothers At Nar Shadaa

ok this is my firs fic that i hope wont get banned.....



-------------------------------------------------------------------


Timmy Marong:Brothers at Nar Shadaa,Friends at Korriban,Enemies at The Unknown Regions


by

Pokejedi123


Part 1:introduction

Its two months after actions of The Exile.

some ex-jedi went to find for Exile, but with no hope they returned to Republic Space.there Jedi are: Ronx Xalatar,Timmy Marong and Jayden.

lets talk about them:

Timmy was an ex-jedi marster He flys with his ship The Rhen Var Eagle.
his favorite weapon is an green lightsaber.

Jayden hasnt have an last name he is an Human,but he uses an Katana.

Ronx is an son of the naboo Security force sergeant.

ent of part 1(i cant write enymore see you later)

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Old 01-21-2007, 03:07 PM   #2
Diego Varen
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Your Fics didn't get banned I believe. Just not much interest. Well, it's too short, a little too short, if you know what I mean. It looks more like a preview than an introduction. Spelling and grammar need improving and more thought needs to be put in. I hope I don't offend you, but it does need serious editing.

Anyway, you've always been obsessed with that Timmy Marong... Looking foward to more, which I hope is longer and improved.
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Old 02-07-2007, 08:54 AM   #3
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before fic:thanks topsite.happy valentines day BTW.....

Part 2:Never Go on fire!(this is a tip too..)

see these 3 guys were just...well...a little too wanted on Korrriban,
Timmy,one day,he walked to a local cantina and then(just as he least expected) he saw the Exile and Atton Rand.Timmy thought:"aww Sithdoodles,why do i have to see them now....gotta run...riiiigth noooooooow.....ok."He ran as fast as he could.he jumped on his speeder and rushed away.fifty seconds later he was on fire. Timmy screamed: "S**T,M********ng speeder IM ON FIRE, CALL 911!!!!!!"
lucky to him,the armor sucked all of the damage.He goed to his ship,half-angry,half-fed up.Timmy took a Juma Juice,some food and just goed to his room.2 hours later Timmy goed to a store,he needed some stuff.He thought:" Im a shame,i should not be like this.....oh well,after this im going to sleep until morning."He was fed up,so tomorrow he would go away to dantoiine...Timmy was still sleepy when he started to pack.It was 4.30 am,when he left.

At the same time 2 Sith were standing at the bridge of a ship.
It Was in orbit over Korriban.it was named the Peanut II
one was named Darth Zonokas and the other was Darth Matrxio
Zonokas was the master, Matrxio the padawan.

see,they were jedi/sith,more sith than jedi,of course.they wanted to see the republic fall with everybody else who opposed the sith.




end of Part 2


Last edited by pokejedi123; 03-07-2007 at 01:48 PM. Reason: bad Grammar,some content missing!
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Old 02-07-2007, 10:51 AM   #4
Diego Varen
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Happy Valentines to you too. Okay, well this needs serious improvement. It is a little too short and it is brief and no offence, but the reader will get bored very easily. There are some mistakes in this Fic, but if this is edited, it will become a much better Fic.

This is not an example of constructive criticism, and in fact is the very type of criticism that I _don't_ want to see in this forum. Please explain, using examples, where the 'boring' parts are and how to make them not boring. Explain what specifically needs improvement and where the mistakes are--are they spelling, punctuation, or grammar related? Writing style related? Something else? The current comments are way too vague and are not helpful in the least. Also, point out the things that went well. I will delete critiques that do not provide constructive comments. --Jae

Last edited by Jae Onasi; 02-07-2007 at 01:50 PM.
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Old 02-07-2007, 04:39 PM   #5
Titanius Anglesmith
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The most important thing you need to improve on is your grammar. Remember to capitalize the first word of each sentence, and make sure you use spell check. Many words in there were misspelled, and you had some words (like "seepederd" and "goed") in there that are not even words. The spell check is one of your best friends.

Also, the whole thing is very vague. Tell the reader exactly where and when the story is. Describe the surroundings in some scenes. It makes for much more interesting reading. And about these "2 Sith figures". You didn't really say much about them, only their names and that they are on a ship. What ship? Where? Is it docked on the planet? Is it in orbit? Or just somewhere else completely? Be more descriptive about those kind of things.

The last things is the length. Both of the last two parts were very short. Try to put more though into each chapter, and put a bit more writing altogether into each chapter.


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Old 02-10-2007, 02:08 AM   #6
The_Catto
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Hey pokejedi ... This has potential to become a good fic, all you need to do is give it a bit more depth.

The descriptions are too vague. Describe the surroundings, give the characters a personality, liven them up a bit. Definetly use the spell check for it is a very useful tool. If you really want to create a story where people will want to read the next part to, i suggest asking a person on this forum to beta read it for you. If they will, then your story will become much more of a story.

Your having a problem with words also, i think, instead of writing 'goed to', perhaps writing 'went to' or 'walked to'. And for speedered, i think that a more better suited set of words for it would have been, 'jetted off' or 'took off' or just even 'sped away'.

One last thing, give a lot more in the chapters. As it has been said, the parts have been way to short.

You have a general idea of a story that you want to write, and apart from the things that need correcting. I think that the idea of the story is a good one and you should keep going with it. Just take a little more thought into writing it and you will be fine

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Old 02-12-2007, 08:17 AM   #7
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the reason why everything is soooooo short:I cant get to the computer at home so im writing all of them at a school computer.next post willl be an Fic post.


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Old 03-07-2007, 01:46 PM   #8
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Part 3:Knigths of Rhen Var A.K.A Cold Vacation.P1:Station Outdoors

Well, Marong was gone when the morning came. Where did he go you may think? To Rhen Var.The Republic Station there was in an old ruins of a Jedi Temple, some Jedi were also there to learn a fighting style. The Station had Living quarters, a Barracks and a store. Ship movement...well; in There was no ship movement. The Jedi Temple holded artifacts like: Blue Avalanche, Stormcutter and a ancient crystal: Echo of Rhen Var. it had its own Mini-Army (the Republic Station)


The Sith Attacked this Station with Might.They were attacking the station for few months now.The Sith was leaded by Darth Ning. She was a Human, one of the deadliest Sith Master alive. Marong believed that she could be turned easily. Recently a ship was found. It was called The Rascal 9.Marong met with Darth Ning there.

To be continued...

End of the 3part


Last edited by pokejedi123; 03-22-2007 at 03:16 AM. Reason: the improved version
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Old 03-07-2007, 02:32 PM   #9
Diego Varen
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Okay, here is my critque once again and I hope it isn't as rude as it was last time. Well, spelling isn't too bad, but is does have mistakes like figthing (which should be fighting) and cristal (crystal) and other mistakes. Grammar is sometimes used when it doesn't need to be used and words with captials don't need to be used, like ship and found.

I understand that you're first language isn't English, but my advice is to try and spend more time on this and try to make the plot a bit more interesting, since at the moment, it doesn't seem that interesting, to be honest. If you want someone to help you with your writing, you could always take a look in the Beta Thread and see about finding someone who can help you with this Fic.

Sorry, if I have sounded rude to you in any way.
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Old 03-07-2007, 02:45 PM   #10
Titanius Anglesmith
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As Topsite said, the grammar is improved, although there are still a few mistakes. If English isn't your first language, then I would suggest you let someone else (who's firt language is English) look over it first, via Private Message.

As of now, you're not giving very specific details on when these things are happening. You say that Timmy arrived in this station, and then in the next paragraph, you say that the Sith attacked the station. Are you referring to something that happened a few years, months, or weeks ago, or are you saying that the Sith attacked after Timmy arrived? Be a bit more specific with those kinds of things.

Describe the surroundings, the time of day, the smells, the sounds. It makes everything much more interesting, and keeps the reader locked in. Also, try taking a look at The Resource Center. There are a few threads in there to help you with writer's block, picking names for people, ships, or planets, and to help make your entire story more interesting altogether.

Lastly, as I have said before, try to make each chapter a bit longer. Put a bit more thought into it, and take your time. Think and plan ahead, write down some of your ideas on paper, and use "free writing" - a technique where you just keep writing, no matter how silly it sounds. Just don't let your mind wander from the story. Always be writing something.


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Old 03-21-2007, 11:06 AM   #11
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ok,so i spelling checked the text at Word.Check out the improved version

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Old 03-21-2007, 11:33 AM   #12
Bee Hoon
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Refer to what the others have said. As to writing it on a school computer, I suggest writing it beforehand, for example in a Word document. Then save it, edit it (there's always room for improvement!), and then publish it from school. Do try to describe more... Readers want a visual of precisely what it happening. Try to improve on the flow of the story as well. It's quite choppy.

That having been said, there's no better way to improve language skills than to practice it. Hope you do keep working at it

P.S. Sorry, if I've offended you.



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 03-22-2007, 03:14 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beehoon
Refer to what the others have said. As to writing it on a school computer, I suggest writing it beforehand, for example in a Word document. Then save it, edit it (there's always room for improvement!), and then publish it from school. Do try to describe more... Readers want a visual of precisely what it happening. Try to improve on the flow of the story as well. It's quite choppy.

That having been said, there's no better way to improve language skills than to practice it. Hope you do keep working at it

P.S. Sorry, if I've offended you.

yeah ive got so many projects...and little time

the projects:
1.This story
2.a Starcraft story
3.website
4.trying to film my first runescape video with Camtasia
5.dragging K2 back to my computer
6.Dragonfire 9 mod


yep my school break is busy

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Old 06-03-2007, 02:25 AM   #14
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oh god,started to play WOW;is so time-consuming.....so i cant write...gotta go back to play WOW.

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Old 07-19-2007, 01:39 AM   #15
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well it had nice characters but i have to agree with the rest of them.the most important thing about being a fanfic writer is the passion to write it and improve with experience.remember that.


you can find me here since I have left LF :

http://starwarsknightscouncil.com/
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