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Old 06-25-2007, 08:06 PM   #1
Ferc Kast
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[FIC] A Mandalorian's Treasure

"Put her in a force cage when we get to the command ship." He said, with an obvious Mandalorian accent audible from inside his armor.
"But, sir, she is a delicate woman. She deserves better than that. What did she do to anger you?" A crewman said.
"She's a jedi. And the bounty on Jedi is still live on Nar Shaddaa." Said the Mandalorian bounty hunter, not saying his true reason.
"You can't do this." The crewmen replied.
"Fine. Then, just bring her before me for dinner. At that time, I will decide what to do with her." He demanded.

Hours later...
She woke feeling cold. Where is my lightsaber? she wondered. Why is it cold? Many questions she did have right now.
"Our captain wishes that you dine with him wearing this." A crewman said, pointing to a dark red tanktop and skirt.
"Very well." She said.
She went before the bounty hunter, dressed as requested.
"Good. You have come, Jedi." The bounty hunter said.
They dined, neither speaking to the other. He was still in his Mandalorian armor with his guns nearby, along with guards. He dismissed his guards.
"Tell me something. Are you Jedi always this passive?" He said, referring to her not summoning his guns and her cooperation.
"No, just smart..." She responded.
"And beautiful..." He commented, staring at her. "The real reason for my searching for you was because I wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend."
*********************
Original ending:

"Aww...how sweet. Sure, I'd love to be your girlfriend." She replied.
He then removed his helmet. And, he kissed her for the first time.
*********************
Alternate ending:

She saw her lightsaber hanging on the wall. She summoned it with the Force, and activated it. Remembering her relationship with Atton, she sliced off this Mandalorian's head.
"Take that, you creepy Mandalorian bounty hunter!!!"
She escaped the ship, after grabbing the rest of her crew, and flew in the Ebon Hawk to get to Dantooine to face the Jedi Council for the second time since she returned from the war.


Last edited by Darth Balatro; 07-10-2007 at 02:33 PM.
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Old 06-26-2007, 03:27 AM   #2
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It's a good try, but there's a lot of room for improvement. I'll just skim through my impressions of what should have been there. Throwing a Jedi into a Force cage is hardly a good way to win her over. Besides that, the Jedi was remarkably cooperative. Personally, I didn't like the idea of alternate endings. Try to add more detail and back story. Why is the Mandalorian in love with her? (Presumably anyway) What is the timeline of this relative to TSL (as it seems to refer to the Exile). Things like this add a lot to a fic



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 06-26-2007, 03:39 AM   #3
Emperor Devon
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Not to be rude, but this one could've used a lot of improvement.

Technical details first... 'force cage' isn't capitalized, and a bounty hunter asking a (presumably?) beautiful woman to dine with him wouldn't have asked her to wear something as modest as a tank top and skirt. He'd have had her naked, which would've been expected by how he was willing to go so far as to kidnap her. He also would've put a neural disruptor collar or stun cuffs on her to prevent her from using the Force. Inviting an unarmed and unrestrained Jedi into a room with only you is like jumping into a pool of alcohol with a match, only the death is less spectacular.

The ending... Well, to put it bluntly the Mandalorian saying "will you be my girlfriend??" was kinda tacky in a teenage way. I might have expected that if the Mandalorian was 12 or 11, but certainly not as an adult. :P

The writing style could a lot of polishing. More descriptions (what the Mandalorians look and smell like, what they had for dinner, etc) would've been useful, along with pretty much all other literary elements.

The alternate ending was also out of character for a Jedi, and the mentioning of the Ebon Hawk left me confused as to who the main character was.

My frank score: 2/10.


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Old 06-26-2007, 09:53 AM   #4
JasraLantill
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emperor Devon
The alternate ending was also out of character for a Jedi...
Well, I'm supposing jcoolZombie's character might have been the Dark Side Exile in that case. Totally 'in character' for her to whack the guy's head off then.

It's a good start, but I agree that there could have been more description added to this story to fill it out a bit. But I liked the general story idea of a bounty hunter capturing a Jedi for the bounty, then changing his mind about turning her in when he takes a fancy to her. (Though I think I would have substituted a word like 'consort', or 'concubine' or even just 'woman' for the word 'girlfriend'.)

As for the alternate endings... well, I think instead of 'Original' and 'Alternate' I would have used something like 'Happy Mandalorian' ending versus 'Happy Exile' ending. Or perhaps 'What the Mandalorian hoped would happen next... ' versus 'What actually happened....'

Not a bad try, but just too short.


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Last edited by JasraLantill; 06-26-2007 at 02:38 PM.
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Old 06-26-2007, 12:18 PM   #5
Sabretooth
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Alright, this is a little tough.

This is an incomplete fanfiction. The story is complete, but the presentation is not. It is quite possible to have a story this short, but an actual piece of writing much longer. You really could have defined the characters more. I will not comment on the story itself, because, well, that's you're imagination, can't tamper with that.

I liked the double-ending idea, but that only reinforced my notion that this fanfic is something of a lengthy joke. Don't get me wrong - it's a great thing to have a humorous fanfic, but there is a clear line between that and a long joke.

The only useful advice I can give you is - spend more time writing. Devote atleast a day to writing, and another for checking it. Make your story something that others will like and appreciate and vote on.


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Old 06-26-2007, 12:29 PM   #6
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I wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend. Well there are alot of other things you could have said for that. It's a bit short but that depends on opinions if short is good or bad. I don't see any connection to this months topic. Bounty Hunter? What's going on?

She escaped the ship. How? Apart from these things I have mentioned. It's ok. Oh "said" was mentioned a little. Get a thesarus. Great books they are.

Over all rating.

6/10

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Old 06-26-2007, 12:57 PM   #7
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Uhm. Err. This is tough.

This story needs a lot of improvement. Sorry, but that's just the way it is.

In terms of plot, as above, I'd say that both endings seem a little unrealistic, and the story itself feels rushed. The dialogue seems a little forced, and the characters seem to be ciphers, acting with only a little reasoning behind their actions - to be blunt, the characters lack character.

Please don't take this the wrong way. There's a lot of potential in this story, but stylistically, it could do with some improvement.

I'd suggest doing some reading, but read analytically - look out for points of style, the way in which characters are fleshed out, how the story is moved forward, the way the characters interact in the dialogue...in short, look less at the story itself and more at what is happening 'under the hood' as it were.

I don't want to be unkind, but in all honesty, 3/10. Please, do keep writing, though.



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Old 06-26-2007, 04:42 PM   #8
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personally i like the alternate endings.It's like playing the game, u choose their destiny.
Plus I know you spent more than day on it.So don't listen 2 the naysayers.I pressume the Jedi was under some kind of control during dinner,u just failed 2 mention how.A Mandolorian would think of a cave man way 2 get a girl,and a Jedi would be a great trophy wife/girlfriend.Only complaint,okay 2 complaints:1) too short,2) how did the Jedi know Atton,was it the Exile
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Old 06-27-2007, 03:59 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by revanite
personally i like the alternate endings.It's like playing the game, u choose their destiny.
Plus I know you spent more than day on it.So don't listen 2 the naysayers.I pressume the Jedi was under some kind of control during dinner,u just failed 2 mention how.A Mandolorian would think of a cave man way 2 get a girl,and a Jedi would be a great trophy wife/girlfriend.Only complaint,okay 2 complaints:1) too short,2) how did the Jedi know Atton,was it the Exile
1) I borrowed part of this from a fan fiction that I was typing on a computer, which is unusable. So, I did the best I could with the time and ideas that I had. 2) It was the Exile.

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Old 06-27-2007, 11:26 PM   #10
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No offense, Darth, but it would probably have been better if the 2nd paragraph wasn't the same as the PotC scene. Originality wins over them all.


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Old 06-28-2007, 01:44 AM   #11
Jae Onasi
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People, critiquing doesn't imply all negative. It's always good, when finding a lot to criticize, to make sure you also include the things that worked or were good, too. Makes it a little more palatable that way.

Balatro, if you post a fic in TJC, you have to expect a very honest critique. That doesn't mean people are trying to be mean. In fact, if you truly look at the advice here, you will learn a _lot_ about your story and people are trying to help you grow. Use these comments to help make your next story even better.


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