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Old 09-22-2013, 03:27 AM   #1
urluckyday
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In search of a dream...

I'm sure that this thread will receive its fair share of people that see the length of my post and instantly hit the back button, and I don't blame those people - I am the same way. For those of you that power through these words of self-loathing and uncertainty, I am forever grateful that you took some time to read what I had to say, even if it doesn't warrant a response. It's just nice to feel like someone else has truly absorbed what you have been thinking about, you know?

A lot has been going through my head lately. Just recently released from my internship with a minor league baseball team, I've had plenty of time to reflect on myself and where I would like to go next. I still have no clue. Since my junior year in college (class of '12), I thought that I had the whole career thing figured out. Maybe I didn't know exactly where exactly I wanted to end up or how I would get there, but I "knew" that I wanted to work in sports. Working in sports hasn't ruined that for me to this point. I know, as an entry-level nobody, my climb to success (whatever that may be) is not an easy one, and I'm sure to encounter plenty of instances of grief, anger and anxiety - which are sure to result in second-thoughts.

Having completed my internship, I am still confident in my choice to stick with the sports industry and pursue my "dream;" however, recently, I can't help but feel like my life is nothing more than just a vacuum of feelings and emotions as result of my uncertainty. A constant sickening feeling sits in the back of my mind even with the understanding that people my age always live their lives with a fair amount of uncertainty.

My emotional state isn't a result of uncertainty stemming from the thoughts of whether or not I'll be happy pursuing a career in my current field; rather, I have felt a growing sense of anxiety that life is just passing me by too fast. I constantly worry as to whether or not there isn't something else out there for me not on my current path, yet, every time such a thought occurs, I think about how much I might be missing if I choose that other path. I'm so anxious about how little time I truly have on this planet to make a mark and how I could ever succeed in accomplishing this "dream" of having everything that I want if I stray, even just a little bit. Yet, I fill my days with working, socializing, being entertained and enjoying, and I still feel no closer to fulfillment - even with how happy I may be on any given day.

Now at this point I'm sure you're thinking "go read Robert Frost and shut the hell up." Deservedly so. I have made the realization that I am paralyzed by fear. I don't seek a secret remedy or psycho-analytical reasoning for why I am this way - I'm a deeply flawed individual. Yes, I am fairly certain of that reality.

I have also come to the realization that I am increasingly shallow person as a result of my attitudes towards the prospect of my future and pursuing this "dream" that I have used as a guiding light for my entire life. My life is just a bad mash-up of instances of my hopeless-romantic mindset and an over-inflated ego. Believing myself to be in pursuit of something great through hard work, dedication and undying hope, I have found it increasingly difficult to relate with any woman on an emotional level. This ego is simply a cover for my piss-poor self-esteem and self-consciousness. Yet, how can I possess such a high opinion of my future when I can't comprehend an instance in the present that I have felt truly confident in my appearance or abilities - at least in a way that would appeal to anyone else of merit.

I know that this all has to sound like the most ridiculous babbling and ranting, and I wish I knew how to make my feelings known. I'm sure I could make quite a bit of money if I actually knew how to coherently convey my emotions through text.

Life is so full of indescribably wonderful things. There is nothing more that I enjoy doing than living, and I don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm in the least bit suicidal or unhappy with the act of living. My point to this entire rant is that I am stuck in this cycle of hope and faith believing that everything is going to work out just the way I see it in my dream - I'll be doing what I love and with the person that I love - but I can't imagine a one-track life. I simply can't fathom myself not constantly wondering about "what if" whenever I make a life choice. I like to chalk it up to me trying to get everything out of life that I can but that is my undoing. I feel like I'm drowning in this sea of choices that only breed more questions and uncertainty. I'm dreaming of greatness (a life well-lived and well-respected), but at the same time, I haven't the slightest ideas as to what I'm really dreaming about.

I truly believe that everything will work out for me one day but at the same time, I've been believing that for my entire life, and my own emotional paralysis hasn't felt this suffocating until now.



If I die today, I'm happy how my life turned out
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Old 09-22-2013, 10:18 AM   #2
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The most depressing part is that I don't know who Robert Frost is. As for what you're going through, I know many people who are going through and have gone through it in similar fashions. I think that perhaps all young people, myself included, go through this at some point, and when it actually resolves depends on the "checklist" you want to complete before you feel content. And the whole taking paths thing comes with one question and that is; Are you happy with the path you're taking? Because that's all it comes down to. I've always said I want to go through life and not want to look back and say "what if". Of course, I failed pretty badly at that.


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Old 09-23-2013, 12:32 AM   #3
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This thread now is making me rethink my entire life. Thank you very much for messing with my plan.
But seriously, this is one of the most profound threads I have ever read.




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Old 09-23-2013, 01:44 PM   #4
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I appreciate the responses. I think that the biggest problem that I'm having is that while I may be happy with what I'm doing, I find myself constantly wondering if another path would give me more happiness. Even at an age where so many people just wish life would hurry up and give them what they want, I wish I could slow it all down - even if that means delaying what I may be truly looking for. I just constantly worry if there is another path that I should be taking that would bring me and other people even more happiness than what my current route brings me now; however, I just don't know what that other path would be.

One thought that has occurred to me is that I'm plagued by the "American Dream" in that I know that I am working towards a higher level of understanding and achievement, but I don't really know what that means anyway. I know that I'm still young and have many years to find what I truly want to do with my life, but I can't help but feel like the longer I wait, the more likely I am to get stuck doing something and with someone I'm not truly happy with.



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Old 09-23-2013, 04:03 PM   #5
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I don't want to sound like a dick but I have a feeling I am going to sound like a dick. This is precisely why I loath my generation (the millennial generation, I'm 22). So many people in this day and age have a fantasy world dream that is unattainable (this is a general statement and should not be directed at you urluckyday, just an overarching theme), they have no clue how to get there, and they expect to simply be handed everything on a silver platter.

I'll use a friend of mind as an example, his dream is to become part of the ruling class elite, become president, and be a man of the people. Well this sounds all find and dandy but the problem is that he gets too wrapped up in helping out little kids on the school bus by buying them shoes and what not that he fails to remember that he has to take care of himself. He's bringing in $500 a month for that job which means it would probably be in his self interest not to even work there for that wage plus he's spending a good chunk on it for these kids. His issue regardless of helping kids is that he fails to understand that he can't help others so long as he can't help himself.

Now let's take a look in the world of reality. Let's look at George Soros, a pretty popular name in the media. Regardless of what you may think of the man this much is fact. He is a native of Hungry and survived the Holocaust. Those who did survive started literally from nothing. Within 10 years of 1945, he got his phd in economics from London University. From there he went on to take part in the stock market and eventually started his own business, Soros Fund Management. His business tore off like a bat out of hell and due to his brilliant analysis of companies and his mathematical genius, he is now one of the richest men in the world. Only until recent years was he able to start his philanthropy work and taking care of those who have less.

The point is that this dude came from nothing and now has everything.

Let's look at another friend of mine. Graduated top of his class in high school, literally, valor victorian (note it was the best high school in the county). Did it again from a very good private college. Did both with a 4.0. Not only did he get a free ride going to college but the college actually paid him to go to their school. While most people come off the stage with debt and a few come out debt free, he's the only one I know who actually came out with a profit. Now he's going for his masters from one of the best schools in Virginia and also is working a job which will become a stepping stone along his career in government administration. What is he making you might ask? 60, 80, 100 Ks maybe? Let's put it this way, he's sitting at 25. He can be making 80 in five years but he has to work up to that point.

Point it, nobody is going to just give you the ****. The philosophy so many of my generation follow. They want to the nice car, the big house, and the hot wife and they think a knock at the door is going to bring it all into their lives.

Now let's be fair, we'll take myself for example. I'm working on completing my degree in business management right now. Believe me I have big dreams too. If I could I'd Emperor of the world, be the savior of the common man, and become the richest dude in history by mining asteroids. We'll I have my doubts that'll happen, but it's fun to think about. Well let's be realistic. I want a cute wife, couple of kids, and a nice little house. Not too demanding if you ask me. I have a path laid out to get there. I'm working at a company where my future is bright and I'm scheduled to climb to the ranks. I'm also doing a small business on the side, I'm dealing shrooms, not the kind you're thinking of but shiitakes. Anyways, I have a dream and a path to get there. Will I get there? Inevitably so. Why? Because I sweat self-esteem. Another issue that many kids fail to have.

The point is that your issues are not unusual, in fact they are common. I've just been trained over the last 3 years to get over them and develop a campaign strategy. Am I missing out on other things I can be doing? Of course. I would like to teach students and be a pastor and fly a fighter jet. What am I doing now? Shipping food out to grocery stores and dealing shrooms. Nothing in common with those areas. However I'll always be able to go back and do the others later in live, well most of them anyways.

Whenever you find a door that's open, chances are there are 10 others unlocked as well. As you walk through one and the other nine close, well twenty more open. You are constantly making choices that will inevitably effect the rest of your life, there's no getting around it.

Urluckyday, this is targeted at you but a series of principles embedded within the text. I don't want to sound mean but this is reality.

Anyways, that's my story and I'm sticking to it...
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Old 09-23-2013, 08:28 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harIII View Post
I don't want to sound like a dick but I have a feeling I am going to sound like a dick. This is precisely why I loath my generation (the millennial generation, I'm 22). So many people in this day and age have a fantasy world dream that is unattainable (this is a general statement and should not be directed at you urluckyday, just an overarching theme), they have no clue how to get there, and they expect to simply be handed everything on a silver platter.
I don't think you truly have a firm grasp on what I'm trying to explain. My issue isn't that I'm not willing to work for it or that I expect anything to be handed to me. What I'm trying to figure out is what I should be working for. Regardless of my dream or vision of future self, I know it'll take backbreaking pain and suffering to reach it. What concerns me about this is that if I stray too far off of one path in search of a dream in one field, how much am I missing in a field that may be bringing me even more joy or fulfillment?

My conundrum isn't that I don't know how to attain my hopes, dreams and goals; rather, I'm finding it increasingly impossible to know what I am or should be dreaming about. When what I envision for myself is something that will be a lifelong pursuit, I feel like every day there is less and less time for me to truly discover who I am because I don't know how many opportunities I am missing by waiting to find what I am looking for. I don't fear that I won't make it to the proverbial "peak" after years and years of hard work and dedication, I am afraid of reaching such a point and realizing that there is no turning back if I then realize it wasn't something I truly wanted my life to be about.



If I die today, I'm happy how my life turned out
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Old 09-23-2013, 10:06 PM   #7
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Even at an age where so many people just wish life would hurry up and give them what they want, I wish I could slow it all down - even if that means delaying what I may be truly looking for.
I feel the same way. I'm a junior in college right now, but I really don't know what I want to do, job-wise, outside of college. All's I've really wanted to do was just travel, really, and I kind of wish time would slow down just so I could build up enough funds to do that. Beyond that, I have no idea what I'm going to do.


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Old 09-23-2013, 10:20 PM   #8
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Some say that when times get so clouded with confusion the best thing to do is to do nothing. I think these people are full of ****. There is a book that you need to check out which can explain a lot. It's called "I am Bonhoeffer." He's a pretty alright dude in my book. He was actually part of Operation Valkyrie, the most famous assassination attempt against Hitler towards the end of WWII. He was a minister who was struggling trying to find the right path to take. Anyways, here's a link, check it out.

http://www.amazon.com/Am-Bonhoeffer-...+am+bonhoeffer
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Old 09-24-2013, 03:01 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by urluckyday View Post
I feel like every day there is less and less time for me to truly discover who I am because I don't know how many opportunities I am missing by waiting to find what I am looking for.
Try climbing the highest mountains and running through the fields, only to find that you still haven't found what you're looking for

In all seriousness, this thread is deep.


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Old 09-24-2013, 05:54 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by harIII
I have a path laid out to get there. I'm working at a company where my future is bright and I'm scheduled to climb to the ranks. I'm also doing a small business on the side, I'm dealing shrooms, not the kind you're thinking of but shiitakes.

Anyways, I have a dream and a path to get there. Will I get there? Inevitably so. Why? Because I sweat self-esteem. Another issue that many kids fail to have.
Unfortunately, not all 'kids' today are quite as lucky as all that.

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What concerns me about this is that if I stray too far off of one path in search of a dream in one field, how much am I missing in a field that may be bringing me even more joy or fulfillment?
What I would say to this is that you may find yourself surprised. four years ago I was unemployed and broke. I'd spent four years of college training and dreaming of becoming a web designer, only to find that my qualifications would only take me so far - I couldn't afford to keep going to college, so I put what skills I did have to use. I built a few sites over the course of a year, but the work dried up.

My mother got very sick, and I spent 18 months both caring for her and looking for any job I could take - I did a bit here and there, and felt pretty lost during that time. I wanted to be building websites, not working in a warehouse, or whatever it was I could find at the time. Last year I ended up retraining completely for an office job with a company helping the long term unemployed back into work. As far as I was concerned it was just another job until I could figure out just what I wanted to do. Over time I found I really enjoyed working with and helping people into work, even in a small capacity- it was something I'd never even considered doing. I'm still with the company, and about to embark on training to become a Careers advisor.

None of the above was ever part of 'my plan' for life, but I guess my point is to stick with your dreams, but be prepared for the curveballs that life will throw your way. If you catch one it may surprise you.






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Old 09-25-2013, 11:45 AM   #11
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Let the remainder of the discussion be flavored by this song:

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Old 09-26-2013, 01:19 AM   #12
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None of the above was ever part of 'my plan' for life, but I guess my point is to stick with your dreams, but be prepared for the curveballs that life will throw your way. If you catch one it may surprise you.
I think this is what I have to roll with for now. Unfortunately, I'm still stuck on finding exactly what my dream(s) is/are. I used to think that I had a pretty good idea as to what direction I wanted to go in, but even now I find myself second-guessing even applying for certain jobs outside of that path because I'm so afraid of getting stuck on a path that I never wanted to travel.

Again, this is all another part of me that is caused by me overthinking even the smallest details, but I guess I've always had a huge, grand vision of where my life would take me, and I'm afraid of screwing something like that up. :/



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Old 09-26-2013, 06:59 AM   #13
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Unfortunately, not all 'kids' today are quite as lucky as all that.
Would you believe me if I told you that I didn't have a dollar in my pocket, a home to live in, and no path forward in January?
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Old 09-26-2013, 03:22 PM   #14
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I think this is what I have to roll with for now. Unfortunately, I'm still stuck on finding exactly what my dream(s) is/are. I used to think that I had a pretty good idea as to what direction I wanted to go in, but even now I find myself second-guessing even applying for certain jobs outside of that path because I'm so afraid of getting stuck on a path that I never wanted to travel.
We've all been there, my friend. Self-doubt if perfectly normal, whether it's 'is this tie the right colour?' or 'Is this job really right for me?' - I certainly ask myself that, especially when I've found it hard to point someone in the right direction.

I know my advice isn't exactly world-class, or a magical solution. Unfortunately there's not a right, wrong or even 'proper' answer to address how you're feeling - as people we have ups and downs. You may have your goals, and a direction to travel in - but there's nothing to stop you from taking a detour.

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Again, this is all another part of me that is caused by me overthinking even the smallest details, but I guess I've always had a huge, grand vision of where my life would take me, and I'm afraid of screwing something like that up. :/
I don't know how detailed your plan for your life is, but try not to think too far into the future. Have a goal, by all means. You can even work out the steps you need to take to reach it. But don't let it rule your life, or allow those steps to become absolute.

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Would you believe me if I told you that I didn't have a dollar in my pocket, a home to live in, and no path forward in January?
I would, because I've been in exactly the same place.

I wasn't criticising any of your points, harIII, as I agree with most of them (I'm fed up with telling young people that they can't simply walk into a job doing x or y without the proper training, experience, or attitude), just not necessarily with the way you put them across.






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Old 09-29-2013, 12:56 AM   #15
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Be very glad that you're asking yourself this question now, and not 20 years from now.

Are you doing what you want to do, or are you doing what you think that the people who are important to you want you to do?


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Old 10-02-2013, 03:05 AM   #16
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I appreciate all the feedback from everyone. I'm not taking any path because someone else wants me to take one. All my parents and friends want for me is a career path that makes me happy.

Just wish I knew what made me truly happy.



If I die today, I'm happy how my life turned out
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